"I Threw A Wish In The Well, Don't Ask Me I'll Never Tell"

Ok here's the deal; I stopped posting on here for a while...for what I thought was for good, because I felt like I was hopeless and pathetic, not only to myself but to anyone that might be reading my posts.  I still feel hopeless and pathetic, but for some reason something inside me is forcing me to write this.  I wake up every day where I stare at the clock wishing I could turn back time just so I could sleep a little longer, because going any farther back than that would be out of the question.  When I realize I can't even turn back time an hour just to go back to sleep, I get up out of bed, walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror with squinty eyes because I'm still half asleep...and I don't have my contacts in so it's hard to see.  But I'm not completely blind so I can still see the person staring back at me; the person I have no recognition of.  Who have I become?  How did I get to be so stuck in one spot for so long?  Why do I get up every morning saying I'm going to do something about it, and yet the next morning is the same thing with nothing changed?  However, with all of that going on in my head, I continue to paint a smile on my face like I haven't made a million mistakes that I regret, because as stuck as I am in one spot, I still have shit to do during the day.

So with that said, I don't know how many more fake smiles I can paint on my face.  Something needs to be done about how unhappy I've made myself.  But what do you do when you've sold your soul to the devil, and gone to hell and back with him, knowing he's not the one you should be with (something you really have known all along, mind you)?  Maybe that's what it takes though, going to hell and back with someone that you aren't meant to be with, to make you realize that you would go through hell FOR the one person that you really were meant to be with.  So it takes completely blowing it to realize what you once had?  That's irony right there.  Nothing I can do about it, but there's also nothing to stop me from being on the verge of tears almost every night that I think about it; think about...him.  See...I'm still hopeless and pathetic, and yet I still haven't done shit about it because clearly, I'd rather feel the pain than see me cause pain to anyone else more than I already have.  I'm trapped.  10 feet deep, and no way out.

"And When The Day Is Done My Momma's Still My Biggest Fan"

I love my mom.  She loved Bryan to death and was completely upset when I left him...she almost acted like she hated me even though I knew she didn't.  She would try to pin things on me like, "Now how are you going to feel if he dies, knowing that you left him?"  I was furious when she asked me that...I can't be blamed for something like that, and it's not like it wasn't hard enough to leave..besides that, I told her "It's going to hurt me just as bad if something happens and I'm no longer with him...but if something happened and I were with him, I wouldn't want to live anymore."  That's how I honestly felt...but I still feel that way even though I'm not with him.   Anyway, now I've been communicating with my mom about all the feelings I'm having and why I did leave and how I'm still in love with him and wish I could have him back, which is what I should've done in the first place, but since I've told her all this she understands more where I'm coming from.  Communication is key. I think part of her is still rooting for Bryan and I ending up together because she thinks he's such a great guy (which he is) and because he is the love of my life after all...she even saw that when I left them.  She said "I hope you know what you're doing and that you don't regret leaving the love of your life one day."  Well she was damn right about that.  I should listen to my mom more often because then I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in.  Hurting, regretting, and wanting more than anything to be with Bryan again.   She doesn't have all the answers and she has no way of helping me make that happen but she did say this: "If you want to show Bryan that you still really love him, you need to move home and not see any other men. Does that make sense?"  I said: "That makes perfect sense, and it's exactly what I'm planning on doing."  I just wish there were some way for Bryan to put himself in my shoes and understand that I left because I got scared and not think I'm weak because of it.  I don't like when people exit my life because of my past...that's where I become weak,  I felt like I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to him because that would be another person leaving my life, so I felt it would be easier if I left...boy was I wrong..and I've learned my lesson and will never do that again because this hurts so much worse.  If only he knew, if he only understood, if he could forgive me and just fall in love with me again...my life would be complete if I had him back, and I know that for a fact because when we were together even though it was long distance, I felt completely complete, and ever since I left him there's been something huge missing in my heart..and that's him...us.  But I know there's nothing I can say to him to make him understand or even think about coming back to me, so I'm going to DO what I can to try and bring him back to me because that's all I have left.

I'm just so glad I have my mom to talk to though.  It makes me feel a little better knowing that she understands a little more of where I'm coming from.  Afterall, she was young once too...different situations but she's felt the same way before. It just took me some time to figure out what I want in life, and now that I've figured it out, I know what I want, and I know who I want. Bryan.

And this is why I'm not giving up yet.   :)

This is what I've been told, but I still feel the need to  put in some effort to help it happen.

His mom liked my status on Facebook last night...I saw it this morning and it made my day complete.  I was afraid she hated me for the longest time after everything because I feel like his sister does because she's really angry with me, but since his mom liked my post I realized she doesn't hate me!  She may be angry with me for leaving her son in hard times, but I think a big part of her also understands because she went through it when she was younger...she was just smart back then and didn't leave...I don't think.  I thought of that whole family as my own family and so it hurts to feel like they hate me just as much as it hurts them that I left...so seeing that she liked a simple status of mine just made me feel somewhat complete again because it was reassurance for me.

"You Know Where I'm At"

 Each of these express how I'm feeling today..actually every day...and I will not give up until I fully know that I need to.

 I still think about you and get butterflies...I still dream about you...I still feel the need and want to lay in your arms and kiss you...I still remember the very first time you told me you love me...I remember the big smile on my face that you couldn't see because it was dark in the room and my head was on your chest...I still cherish every moment I spent with you...I still love you with all my heart and I haven't stopped for a moment regardless of what you think.  You're still the only person I can picture spending my life with, and I still have not given up on us...A few months ago my mind got hazy and took over my heart and every day now I regret that...That's why I refuse to give up...not just yet.

Live and Learn

I'm big on quotes. I am always able to find a quote that expresses how I feel, and they help me keep my thoughts straight instead of me rambling on trying to figure out how to put my thoughts into my own words.

This is how I feel today...this is what I've realized:

‎"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering
can the soul be strengthened,
vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

~ Helen Keller ~