I love my mom. She loved Bryan to death and was completely upset when I left him...she almost acted like she hated me even though I knew she didn't. She would try to pin things on me like, "Now how are you going to feel if he dies, knowing that you left him?" I was furious when she asked me that...I can't be blamed for something like that, and it's not like it wasn't hard enough to leave..besides that, I told her "It's going to hurt me just as bad if something happens and I'm no longer with him...but if something happened and I were with him, I wouldn't want to live anymore." That's how I honestly felt...but I still feel that way even though I'm not with him. Anyway, now I've been communicating with my mom about all the feelings I'm having and why I did leave and how I'm still in love with him and wish I could have him back, which is what I should've done in the first place, but since I've told her all this she understands more where I'm coming from. Communication is key. I think part of her is still rooting for Bryan and I ending up together because she thinks he's such a great guy (which he is) and because he is the love of my life after all...she even saw that when I left them. She said "I hope you know what you're doing and that you don't regret leaving the love of your life one day." Well she was damn right about that. I should listen to my mom more often because then I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in. Hurting, regretting, and wanting more than anything to be with Bryan again. She doesn't have all the answers and she has no way of helping me make that happen but she did say this: "If you want to show Bryan that you still really love him, you need to move home and not see any other men. Does that make sense?" I said: "That makes perfect sense, and it's exactly what I'm planning on doing." I just wish there were some way for Bryan to put himself in my shoes and understand that I left because I got scared and not think I'm weak because of it. I don't like when people exit my life because of my past...that's where I become weak, I felt like I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to him because that would be another person leaving my life, so I felt it would be easier if I left...boy was I wrong..and I've learned my lesson and will never do that again because this hurts so much worse. If only he knew, if he only understood, if he could forgive me and just fall in love with me again...my life would be complete if I had him back, and I know that for a fact because when we were together even though it was long distance, I felt completely complete, and ever since I left him there's been something huge missing in my heart..and that's him...us. But I know there's nothing I can say to him to make him understand or even think about coming back to me, so I'm going to DO what I can to try and bring him back to me because that's all I have left.
I'm just so glad I have my mom to talk to though. It makes me feel a little better knowing that she understands a little more of where I'm coming from. Afterall, she was young once too...different situations but she's felt the same way before. It just took me some time to figure out what I want in life, and now that I've figured it out, I know what I want, and I know who I want. Bryan.
No comments:
Post a Comment