I feel like everything happens for a reason. Sure, I regret some of those things with everything I have but those things have actually made me stronger. They were a wake up call. I've figured out some things that disappoint me...not necessarily because I care nor am I fully invested since I specifically put a big wall up that I refused to take down, but because I'm so damn irritated. Here's a topic: Pathological Liars. What the hell is the point of lying all the damn time?! Even if you do nothing wrong you still lie about stupid stuff...and to my face??? I don't see the point, and confrontation is out of the question because all I'd get is more lies. That's what frustrates me most! I could care less about what the hell he does because like I said I'm not invested in this anymore. I've got new goals. But lying to my face...that's just disrespect and it's insanely annoying. I'm so frustrated I can't even get my thoughts on the matter written down correctly without rambling right now. I'm done though. Done. I've gotta find the proper time to get out of this and pack my things without it blowing up into a huge thing. I know when that time does come (and very very soon because it needs to be done) he's just going to try to lie his way out of it, but that's besides the point anymore. I've learned he's just going to constantly lie to me if I were to stay forever (which I wouldn't stay forever anyway) so what does it matter? It's not going to work. He's not going to talk me out of it. I'm leaving...I'm gone...and he'll probably never see me again. Maybe he really loves me but then again I don't think this kid is capable of love...not until he figures out how to quit telling lies. Plus, I'm still fully in love with someone else with all my heart...and that is where my wake up call came into play, which is another reason I'm not too hurt by all the lies in this current relationship because it's an advantage for me rather than a disadvantage. From now on, I'm working towards becoming the best version of myself that I can be. I'm 20 years old, and it's time to make some improvements on myself (not necessarily full changes because I don't want to change who I am really). I am finally going to gear towards what I want to do in life...which I believe is be a nurse. Not only that, but I am becoming stronger than I have ever been which is good because my past weakness has caused me to lose the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It's finally time for me to grow up. No more childish actions, no more jumping to conclusions, no more running away when I get scared, no more making promises I can't keep or breaking promises that I make, no more sitting idly by while just waiting for a sign of what I want to do career-wise to just magically pop up in front of me: because let's face it, that's just not realistic. So that'll be the improved me (not the "new" me because I'm still going to be me. Just improved). I want to be the best person I can be for myself, and for the love of my life. I want to be the girl that Bryan White fell in love with, even if nothing comes out of it, even if he never speaks to me again at least I'll be able to tell myself that I tried, and I'll feel great knowing that I'm finally a better person. However, I'm not giving up on us yet...I'm not sure if he's fully given up on us being together because I hurt him so damn bad, but I'm not ready to give up, I never really was. I just got scared, and that is why I need to be stronger. I've been avoiding mentioning his name as much as possible since I ended things because I didn't want to realize that I broke my own heart as well as his, so by not mentioning his name for the past few months I've been able to avoid the painful feelings that would come along with the recognition of his name; the painful feelings that I caused. But it's time to be honest with myself. I'm heartbroken and that's my own fault. I'm facing up to it and I'm dealing with it. I'm pretty sure being stabbed with a knife would hurt less than facing these feelings knowing that they were self inflicted, but there's no way I'm taking the easy way out. I don't deserve that nor do I want it.
On that note...that very long note, I'm finally done rambling on about everything. It's time to actually turn all those goals into more than just words and live up to expectations. So for tonight, good night. <3
On that note...that very long note, I'm finally done rambling on about everything. It's time to actually turn all those goals into more than just words and live up to expectations. So for tonight, good night. <3
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