"I Threw A Wish In The Well, Don't Ask Me I'll Never Tell"

Ok here's the deal; I stopped posting on here for a while...for what I thought was for good, because I felt like I was hopeless and pathetic, not only to myself but to anyone that might be reading my posts.  I still feel hopeless and pathetic, but for some reason something inside me is forcing me to write this.  I wake up every day where I stare at the clock wishing I could turn back time just so I could sleep a little longer, because going any farther back than that would be out of the question.  When I realize I can't even turn back time an hour just to go back to sleep, I get up out of bed, walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror with squinty eyes because I'm still half asleep...and I don't have my contacts in so it's hard to see.  But I'm not completely blind so I can still see the person staring back at me; the person I have no recognition of.  Who have I become?  How did I get to be so stuck in one spot for so long?  Why do I get up every morning saying I'm going to do something about it, and yet the next morning is the same thing with nothing changed?  However, with all of that going on in my head, I continue to paint a smile on my face like I haven't made a million mistakes that I regret, because as stuck as I am in one spot, I still have shit to do during the day.

So with that said, I don't know how many more fake smiles I can paint on my face.  Something needs to be done about how unhappy I've made myself.  But what do you do when you've sold your soul to the devil, and gone to hell and back with him, knowing he's not the one you should be with (something you really have known all along, mind you)?  Maybe that's what it takes though, going to hell and back with someone that you aren't meant to be with, to make you realize that you would go through hell FOR the one person that you really were meant to be with.  So it takes completely blowing it to realize what you once had?  That's irony right there.  Nothing I can do about it, but there's also nothing to stop me from being on the verge of tears almost every night that I think about it; think about...him.  See...I'm still hopeless and pathetic, and yet I still haven't done shit about it because clearly, I'd rather feel the pain than see me cause pain to anyone else more than I already have.  I'm trapped.  10 feet deep, and no way out.