"And When The Day Is Done My Momma's Still My Biggest Fan"

I love my mom.  She loved Bryan to death and was completely upset when I left him...she almost acted like she hated me even though I knew she didn't.  She would try to pin things on me like, "Now how are you going to feel if he dies, knowing that you left him?"  I was furious when she asked me that...I can't be blamed for something like that, and it's not like it wasn't hard enough to leave..besides that, I told her "It's going to hurt me just as bad if something happens and I'm no longer with him...but if something happened and I were with him, I wouldn't want to live anymore."  That's how I honestly felt...but I still feel that way even though I'm not with him.   Anyway, now I've been communicating with my mom about all the feelings I'm having and why I did leave and how I'm still in love with him and wish I could have him back, which is what I should've done in the first place, but since I've told her all this she understands more where I'm coming from.  Communication is key. I think part of her is still rooting for Bryan and I ending up together because she thinks he's such a great guy (which he is) and because he is the love of my life after all...she even saw that when I left them.  She said "I hope you know what you're doing and that you don't regret leaving the love of your life one day."  Well she was damn right about that.  I should listen to my mom more often because then I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in.  Hurting, regretting, and wanting more than anything to be with Bryan again.   She doesn't have all the answers and she has no way of helping me make that happen but she did say this: "If you want to show Bryan that you still really love him, you need to move home and not see any other men. Does that make sense?"  I said: "That makes perfect sense, and it's exactly what I'm planning on doing."  I just wish there were some way for Bryan to put himself in my shoes and understand that I left because I got scared and not think I'm weak because of it.  I don't like when people exit my life because of my past...that's where I become weak,  I felt like I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to him because that would be another person leaving my life, so I felt it would be easier if I left...boy was I wrong..and I've learned my lesson and will never do that again because this hurts so much worse.  If only he knew, if he only understood, if he could forgive me and just fall in love with me again...my life would be complete if I had him back, and I know that for a fact because when we were together even though it was long distance, I felt completely complete, and ever since I left him there's been something huge missing in my heart..and that's him...us.  But I know there's nothing I can say to him to make him understand or even think about coming back to me, so I'm going to DO what I can to try and bring him back to me because that's all I have left.

I'm just so glad I have my mom to talk to though.  It makes me feel a little better knowing that she understands a little more of where I'm coming from.  Afterall, she was young once too...different situations but she's felt the same way before. It just took me some time to figure out what I want in life, and now that I've figured it out, I know what I want, and I know who I want. Bryan.

And this is why I'm not giving up yet.   :)

This is what I've been told, but I still feel the need to  put in some effort to help it happen.

His mom liked my status on Facebook last night...I saw it this morning and it made my day complete.  I was afraid she hated me for the longest time after everything because I feel like his sister does because she's really angry with me, but since his mom liked my post I realized she doesn't hate me!  She may be angry with me for leaving her son in hard times, but I think a big part of her also understands because she went through it when she was younger...she was just smart back then and didn't leave...I don't think.  I thought of that whole family as my own family and so it hurts to feel like they hate me just as much as it hurts them that I left...so seeing that she liked a simple status of mine just made me feel somewhat complete again because it was reassurance for me.

"You Know Where I'm At"

 Each of these express how I'm feeling today..actually every day...and I will not give up until I fully know that I need to.

 I still think about you and get butterflies...I still dream about you...I still feel the need and want to lay in your arms and kiss you...I still remember the very first time you told me you love me...I remember the big smile on my face that you couldn't see because it was dark in the room and my head was on your chest...I still cherish every moment I spent with you...I still love you with all my heart and I haven't stopped for a moment regardless of what you think.  You're still the only person I can picture spending my life with, and I still have not given up on us...A few months ago my mind got hazy and took over my heart and every day now I regret that...That's why I refuse to give up...not just yet.

Live and Learn

I'm big on quotes. I am always able to find a quote that expresses how I feel, and they help me keep my thoughts straight instead of me rambling on trying to figure out how to put my thoughts into my own words.

This is how I feel today...this is what I've realized:

‎"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering
can the soul be strengthened,
vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

~ Helen Keller ~

"Hitch Your Wagon To A Star"

I have new-found hope.

I feel like everything happens for a reason. Sure, I regret some of those things with everything I have but those things have actually made me stronger. They were a wake up call. I've figured out some things that disappoint me...not necessarily because I care nor am I fully invested since I specifically put a big wall up that I refused to take down, but because I'm so damn irritated. Here's a topic: Pathological Liars. What the hell is the point of lying all the damn time?! Even if you do nothing wrong you still lie about stupid stuff...and to my face??? I don't see the point, and confrontation is out of the question because all I'd get is more lies. That's what frustrates me most! I could care less about what the hell he does because like I said I'm not invested in this anymore. I've got new goals. But lying to my face...that's just disrespect and it's insanely annoying. I'm so frustrated I can't even get my thoughts on the matter written down correctly without rambling right now. I'm done though. Done. I've gotta find the proper time to get out of this and pack my things without it blowing up into a huge thing. I know when that time does come (and very very soon because it needs to be done) he's just going to try to lie his way out of it, but that's besides the point anymore. I've learned he's just going to constantly lie to me if I were to stay forever (which I wouldn't stay forever anyway) so what does it matter? It's not going to work. He's not going to talk me out of it. I'm leaving...I'm gone...and he'll probably never see me again. Maybe he really loves me but then again I don't think this kid is capable of love...not until he figures out how to quit telling lies. Plus, I'm still fully in love with someone else with all my heart...and that is where my wake up call came into play, which is another reason I'm not too hurt by all the lies in this current relationship because it's an advantage for me rather than a disadvantage. From now on, I'm working towards becoming the best version of myself that I can be. I'm 20 years old, and it's time to make some improvements on myself (not necessarily full changes because I don't want to change who I am really). I am finally going to gear towards what I want to do in life...which I believe is be a nurse. Not only that, but I am becoming stronger than I have ever been which is good because my past weakness has caused me to lose the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It's finally time for me to grow up. No more childish actions, no more jumping to conclusions, no more running away when I get scared, no more making promises I can't keep or breaking promises that I make, no more sitting idly by while just waiting for a sign of what I want to do career-wise to just magically pop up in front of me: because let's face it, that's just not realistic. So that'll be the improved me (not the "new" me because I'm still going to be me. Just improved). I want to be the best person I can be for myself, and for the love of my life. I want to be the girl that Bryan White fell in love with, even if nothing comes out of it, even if he never speaks to me again at least I'll be able to tell myself that I tried, and I'll feel great knowing that I'm finally a better person. However, I'm not giving up on us yet...I'm not sure if he's fully given up on us being together because I hurt him so damn bad, but I'm not ready to give up, I never really was. I just got scared, and that is why I need to be stronger. I've been avoiding mentioning his name as much as possible since I ended things because I didn't want to realize that I broke my own heart as well as his, so by not mentioning his name for the past few months I've been able to avoid the painful feelings that would come along with the recognition of his name; the painful feelings that I caused. But it's time to be honest with myself. I'm heartbroken and that's my own fault. I'm facing up to it and I'm dealing with it. I'm pretty sure being stabbed with a knife would hurt less than facing these feelings knowing that they were self inflicted, but there's no way I'm taking the easy way out. I don't deserve that nor do I want it.

On that note...that very long note, I'm finally done rambling on about everything. It's time to actually turn all those goals into more than just words and live up to expectations. So for tonight, good night. <3

Wish someone would've told me this before I went and screwed everything up with the love of my life...

"Long Trip Alone"

I've decided to create a blog because I was inspired by a good friend of mine...I have other blogs but it just didn't seem fair to continue adding stories to them when I haven't written in months...I had a different life back then, different people in my life and going back and reading those whenever I would post a new blog would just make me sad...soo I'm starting fresh. New blog, different thoughts, but same person. Well, somewhat the same...I'd like to think i'm changing, trying to become the best person I can be for myself and for others, because God knows I haven't been the best version of myself in the past. However, I will do everything in my power to become the woman I need and want to be, starting with this. I have to do something about all these thoughts going through my mind, afterall, or else they'll drive me to insanity.

Now I wouldn't want to explain my whole life story in one blog post, so stay tuned and you are sure to hear more from me.